The Hillbilly Hotel

click me …

http://song2play.com/k/karaoke-13314/karaoke_hits__tv_themes_vol_3-39722/the_beverly_hillbillies-503313.html

and sing it !!! …

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She Lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife

PENIS, That Is.
Clean Cut.
Missed His Nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend  

CURVE, That is
Tossed the Nub.
In the Shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.

FOUND, That Is
By a Fence.
Evidence. Now Willie and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed

WHIZZED, That Is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream

 Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape

VIDEO, That Is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya’ll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya Hear !!!!!.

Are you feeling frumpy, dumpy, and otherwise grumpy? bloated, constipated, and hated ? Just had your fill of it ??? Me tooooooo!!!!! and my frickin’ hair is falling out !!!! Shit … not again !!!!   I just saw a picture of me in my mind … I’ll be a fat and dumpy, wrinkly, short and ugly little Appalachia bald woman  … I used to be a heart stopper, and now I’m just a Betty Crocker … Geeze, how depressing …

All I really need is a permanent vacation with a big-fat paycheck … and an all over body-makeover complete with surgical enhancement !!!  God send me a plastic surgeon to date!! or let me learn of some smut on one here so I can blackmail him into getting what I want.  Well, that might not be such a great idea.  I could come out looking like Barbara Streisand !! Yikes … 

Oh, just screw it.  I guess I’m stuck ugly.  I have such a bad attitude, nobody would want me anyway.  I bet I couldn’t hire somebody to … (well never mind that thought!!) … nor could I hold ’em down long enough to … (well never mind that thought either !!!) … Don’t laugh … that ain’t funny !!

 Isn’t it strange when you’re young you marry for love … and you wake up 10 years later and have children bitchin’ at ya for a pair of 100 dollar shoes and designer jeans to keep up with the “Jones’.”  How stupid was that ? marrying for love !!! I did that TWICE and it didn’t get me SHIT !!! I still don’t have a retirement.  I’ll be working till I’m 90. 

I would love to have a parent to take care of me again !! I tell my 14-year-old to milk it as long as possible … that it’s a cold, cruel world out there …  and that she should not to be in such a hurry to grow up!  Her only gripe is that her Dad & Sandy (the stepmother) are fashion stupid and subject her to shopping at Wal-Mart.  Can you imagine such an atrosity ? Well, they do relent to take her to Value City every once in a while … No great news there.  He was always a cheap ass.   I pay him good child support money, too !!   I take her to all the “Grannie and hip” places … after all, I AM the coolest mom !! Anyway, that’s what she says.  You remember what it was like starting high school as a freshman? … ah, the pressure of it all …  clothes should be the last worry !! after all, GIRLS need STUFF !!!!!!!!!!

I thought I had two of mine raised, but every once in awhile they come back to bite me on the ass !!!!!  I keep thinking I’ll get even and just move away but so far I’m still here.   I do have an idea, though, to get out of this one horse town.  I think it’s rather inventive, actually.  

I remember every once in a while seeing a man sitting on the concrete embunkment at the bridge with a cardboard sign saying ”Homeless” …. “Will Work For Food.”  This is a bridge heavily trafficked with people from KY, Ohio, and West Virginia …  Sometimes they even walked up towards peoples cars holding out a can or whatever as cars would have a red light often times before turning.  It could be a little scary.  My son begged me to stop one day, pleading with me that we should help.  While I’m all about helping people, I am also cautious and refused to do so.  I did offer to take my son to the local church here who fixes meals for homeless or otherwise very low income people so he could help the poor and otherwise down on their luck people by volunteering.  Do you think he did that? heck no, but it never came back up in our discussion.  I know myself, that at present, I’m just one paycheck from the street myself … so I’m hoping Mr. MoneyBags Man will help my otherwise dwindling bank account … however …  Today, I have come to the realization that “Mr. Right and/or Mr. MoneyBags” may never drive by and see my red light on the front porch !!! 

So, I’ve decided to make me a sign, and walk to the corner of the bridge and plant myself up a perch, all duded up and looking like the sexpot I am !!!  and on my sign is posted, “Will Marry For Money.”  and in finer print … “Honk if you’d like a blow job.”  I know its sick … shame on me … Oh, kiss my ass !!!

I need to readjust my Halloween yard ornaments … did ya’ll see my impressive spread ???  

I was gonna post the pic but I can’t figure out how to get the darn thing to work …. LOL … HELP !!!!

Chanda … give me some instructions on how to put a picture on here … dang it to shittin’hell’s fire … LOL … this is complicated for a hillbilly pea brain …

by the way, I used the Barbie pic … thanks …

…

A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It’s a neighborly day in this beautywood,
A neighborly day for a beauty,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you,
I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So let’s make the most of this beautiful day,
Since we’re together, we might as well say,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?

Won’t you please,
Won’t you please,
Please won’t you be my neighbor?

 It’s okay to sing along … come on … let’s do it again !!

Hi internet neighbors, I’m glad we’re together again….

Hope your ass is out enjoying the weather !! It is really a beautiful day in hillbilly town.  I used to mock this song all the time.  Rumor had it Fred was gay … but he was not … he was married … LOL … he sure took a lot of flak and was the butt of a lot of jokes, but his contribution to PBS was remarkable.  Is that show still on ?? not that anybody really cares, well, unless you’re 4 … or 5 !!  

I had my granddaughter, BellaRose, all weekend, who is four.  She doesn’t want to stay with her mommy and daddy, for reasons we won’t go into at this moment.  She reminds me of this movie on TV, about this little girl, Matilda, ya’ll seen it ?? This girl is inquisitive, seems more grown up than her parents, and is much smarter.  That’s my Bella.  She is probably the most frequent visitor to The Hillbilly Hotel here, outside of my 14-year-old, and the most welcomed and entertaining of the lot. 

She is turning into a computer geek!!  Now that she’s learned to navigate and handle herself fairly well, her and I are fighting for online time !!!  She even has her own folder of favorites.  Yesterday, she learned to color on an activity page, and play a Dora game navigating and jumping and such.  She got so excited when she finally learned how to maneuver and win !!! It was hilarious.  Her face just lit up … she was proud of herself, and I must say I was impressed and gave her a high-five !!.  I’ve got to get a camera so I can snap that excitement. 

Here at the Hillbilly Hotel, there are no luxuries; having a computer is about it.  Not to mention this computer earns me a living doing medical transcription.  This job barely pays my bills, but at least I can sit in my long johns and work if I want to, and nobody cares if I have a bad hair day or not.  Not even me !!! I can go for weeks at a time almost and never go out of the house.  Geeze, that’s depressing …

Well, now that I’ve gotten myself depressed … I’ll go find something interesting to watch on the tube.  Ya know, watching the Jerry Springer show always makes me better.  I don’t know about ya’ll but I find it most entertaining and hilarious !!

Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?

I guess you could call me the manager, or the matriarch, of this establishment.  I really don’t know where to begin other than trying to describe the “Staff.”  

Hotel Manager – (that’s me) … A red-headed, $49.95 + shipping and handling female, the head hormonal bitch of this hillbilly haven!

Let me introduce my …

Do-Less (and clueless) Daughter – unemployed, 27 years old, 2 children, ages 4 years and 4 months, does as little as possible, and is overbearing, demanding… DRAMA QUEEN !!!!!!! and is married to …

Does-Less-Than-Her – Son-In-Law, also unemployed, 27 years old, a whiny, pathetic, pussy-whipped, spoiled little momma’s boy …

It’s all about them and their drama … (Geeze … GROW UP ALREADY!!!)

Meanwhile, frequent visitors to the Hillbilly Hotel include … 

Another daughter, 14 years old, a divorced back and forths child, a high school freshman this year, who is boy-crazy, and lives on McDonald’s Oreo McFlurries !!! (and it had better have EXTRA oreo)

More infrequent visitors to the hotel would include a son, my first born (older than the daughter) once married, once divorced, doesn’t live in the area, has no children, nor does he need any !  I miss my ex-daughter-in-law more than I do him (that ain’t right).

I just needed a place to vent my frustrations of everyday life here at The Hillbilly Hotel.  Check in … Sit a spell … Take your shoes off … and join in the dysfunct’n (I mean discuss’n). 

Ya’ll come back now, ya’hear ?